Why do they fight more with her gone? This is getting stupider every moment. Saying that she was "upgraded" by him. The PS2 broke, Fluffy practically always here because Jay needs him watched when it's "Most Important" Everyone's gone crazy.

I decided to pull myself offline and out of Rp for awhile too. I think everyone needs a break from me anyway. Also.

Shiny, you should just stay with Jen and Char as long as they will allow. You're sanity needs a break from this. How do you deal with all of this plus my ass? I'm sorry to be such a bother on you Jen and Char. I want to change that. So Don't worry I've decided to quit calling I wont be in your way.

I wont talk to Tohru anymore either since that upset you hell I might just turn the phone off too. I don't know it's depending on how I feel.

Either way I'm going to bed now. From there I don't know.

Again, Shiny Char and Jen. I'm sorry I'm such a burden. Thanks for putting up with me.

List of things to do before AWA is mostly complete now that lundry is knocked out of the way sometime tomorrow May is bringing me and Shinys suitcase so I cna start gathering things for the con, I need to iron everything still and clean up the Air Force Ones so they look badass with the cosplay.

Still need to get new wraps but I may have found a way to get them cheaper I was paying like 2:50 a box at Kroger and now i found out they sell them at Family Doller so about 10 dollers may drop to closer to 5, then all I need is sports tape and I will be set. Since Char got my hoodie for the cosplay White shall never be warn outside of cosplay for me. EVER.

next check will be real nice maybe I can just pay off the laptop and then use the rest on whatever since I may not be going home now, sorry. I just don't think it's happening as much as it saddens me. But I gotta get that vacation week in sometime in the next few months or i lose it for the year. Sucks massively.

Plans~Plans~ and more plans.

For 2010 I plan to have a laptop of my own, a set of computer desks with chairs, a sewing machine table and a stearo system something like a 5 disk cd changer. Hells yeah something like that baby. I also want to start taking some kind of classes next year to to get into a better job maybe A+ Certifacation, I heard Shiny's mom talk about that before. Again I still kinda really wanna be a mechanic but I know I would never be taken seriously. Nor would I have the drive to really go through THAT much Tech School. Cars and medicine things that are always needed. Things that dance in the back of my head.

Then I remember what I told my mom: "I know people gotta do the bitch work, I'm okay with spending my life a deadbeat." Thats what i said when she signed me out of high school. Guess its only right that so far I'm right. At least she was wrong about me never ammounting to more then a street walker. I can be so thnkful I have enough self esteem to be disgusted by that idea in a whole.

I wanna get my life together. I wanna make a good life for me and those I care about. I want to be rolling in cash.

Plans were set in stone, Erica knew Courtany was going to be working for me. and she still will be working my hours, its juts now I have to work too and her. Erica doesn't care I have plans, she onlyc ares "OH! I will be so screwed and You have to come!" I cant afford to get fired this close to AFO and AWA so I basically have to choose my job over Jen.

I really don't think I'll tell her till she get's here. I mean I can sneak out at 5:30 while shes still asleep and if Erica is truthful then I should be home by 11am. She said I have to stay till lunch change over. She promised me I would leave by 11.

I don't know if I trust her though I just hope that if Jen still comes that she will take Shiny on to the faberic store if they wake up before I get home. If I sleep soon I can more or less chill up till she gets here lay back down then jet to work.

Erica said come in later but...ya know I might as well go in at 5 and get 6 hours instead of 5. as longa s Jena dn Shiny sleep while I'm gone it shoudl all work out.

fuck if I know. Maybe I should just tell Jen to forget it.

Oh have I ever mentioned certain muses awaken musical love in me? Well Spanner he makes me crave Powerman 5000 as bad as I did as a pre-teen girl. And today I find myself strangely with all there CD's on my desktop and looking to see when they tour again. What can I say? It was Rob Zombie last week.

I would so go see Rob Zombie and Powerman if they had a concert together and I would be able to die happy seeing both brothers on stage. My brother would be so jealous. Wait that doesn't change the fact that I have like 5 albums on here now with very little room and no burner to get them off here I don't want to delete them because well if anything happens to my MP3 player them I'd be fucked.

Fuck it, I'll figure it out. Next is to figure out who else besides Spanner I'll do for AN. I'm going to need Shiny on this one. Shes better with this stuff then I am.

and now a Meme stolen from Kaori!

(1) Choose an episode of anime or television series you have on your computer. Make sure you're certain you want that one, you cannot change your mind or skip this step. DO NOT TELL YOUR FLIST WHAT YOU CHOSE.

(2) Make note of how long the episode is here -> Length of episode = 24:19

(3) Ask your flist to choose a time between 00:00 and whatever the length of your episode is. Be specific, (ie: 19:11, 21:09, 02:42)

(4) Make them an icon using THAT FRAME ONLY no matter what it is. And remember, you can only use that ONE episode you chose previous, even if the person posting isn't familiar with it.

[keeping Kaori's edit](5) If you want, you may even chose another time if you want to~

I really hate this standstill in life. No matter What we do its never enough We are always to blame. Me who pays things and her who handles things. its fucking bullshit. No matter how much i fake a smile at work my friends can tell I'm upset even if I'm not willing to share.

How do I know? Shawntee asking me "Hows everything at home?" out of the blue the day before yesterday. They know I'm miserable at times but its not me whos really miserable I feel horrible about stupidity, I feel like I should be able to stand up and speak what I want to that person but yet and still I know its no good. I feel I should be trying to find a backup plan...but we came back here becuase we had no more backups....

...Welcome back to Hell little lady. let the shit storm begin. Were all we have girls, we need to take care of the boys and stay off radar....god I hate this its so depressing when its not making me irate.

there are things you dont speak of with friends, Politics, relgion and her. Yes Ri, I did just plug another old ass country song but I feel we should, Politics is the only way this world will surive right now anarchist or not we need one of those fuckers to fix our economy. Lets be honest I support Obama. I have no real relgious beleifs half the time but I have a vast knowlage of Christian mythology from the people I play and a book Ive been working off and on aagin with Shiny. So I can talk it up about Jesus like the religion nuts, they dont realize how unfaithful I truely am. and then last Her.

Well anyone involved knows...

STOP HURTING EACH OTHER!

Remember what I told you outside woman...I hold to that shit, I don't back down either. Think of me as the creepy viewer who will send actors death threats if I don't like the scene. I demand a rewrite. I vote for an epic threesome

Believe it or not, I love no one. I am empty onside, false smiles and happy things to say. How does anyone not see this? I feel like Gokudera in my head wishing I could blow everyone up but on the outside I am Tsuna, just smile and tell people what they want to hear because I'm to big of a loser to say anything else. I'm sick of it. I want to spill blood, I want to scream and throw things, I wantt o be that girl from my past. I want to be the bitch who beat her brothers head into the door...

where did she go? So damn independable...fuck this.

Work wise, I work straight to monday I'll probally work monday too. I except my fate. I'm sleeping a lot more again a straight up sign of depression and laziness...I'm gaining weight too, maybe not gaining weight but my clothes dont fit right I'm getting fat...yeah It was bound to happen...

I think I should cut all my hair off and dye it black...I dont know I think its time I show how I feel on the inside on the outside. I'm tired of everyone suffering, I'm tired of always being broke...I want to have money to spend on Shiny and myself...not just taking care of the bills... I feel like I'm working to pay the neverending bills.

I dont think were ever moving. I'm going to mess up my side of the room. Let someone say something to me besides SHiny. Lets see if I can bitch them out.


Thank you jen_n_charlie and bby Your both so good to me. I love you both more then anyone else. Thank you.

I am not a saint I can only take so much. I am human and i need to be loved; just like everbody else does. I hate feeling this way; hwo do I feel? empty again.

'Gone Away' played twice on my headphones today, the batteries are so dead that I can only listen to the radio, and both times I almost broke down. Why does it bother me so much now but never before? I miss him something terribly these last few months...All i want ti to call his old number and ask him how he would handle these things, ask him to send me some cash. Unlike mom he would have. Then I have to remind myself hes dead. And the last thing i told him was to 'drop dead' two days before he died...

Months after he died sitting on Shiny's floor in the old house I was staring at the ceiling when 'Gone Away' came on I remember telling her about the good times, how me and him used to blare that song and sing as loud as we could with it. How I wanted to put black roses on his grave in honor of that memory. Its been three years. Still no black roses. Still never seen it. I miss him terribly.

I just want to talk to my Dad, but every time I call home my mom answers and does nothing but bitch and bitch...I just want my dad...He always makes me feel better. Don't get me wrong I cant stand to be near either of them for long but i love talking to my dad on the phone hes so cracky. he's part Indian so he claims anyway, so a lot of times he answers the phone if its raining up there saying shit like "Kate! My rain dance worked!" Dad's always good for a laugh even if he is a dirty old pervert. I still love the man.

There a lot of its off my chest. The rest shall stay; update on baby bro by the way. If he misses more then 5 days before Christmas him mom and dad all go to jail. lets see what happens to my family. Did i mention he missed 95 days last year?